Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking for a little something "extra" for my wife.
I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.
All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "NO possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad...
I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and holy mother of god, weapons of mass destruction ass
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a "one-second burst", when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
son of a bitch... that hurt!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles.
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.............
上周末，我看到的东西在拉里的手木仓及当铺，引发我的兴趣。场合是我们22周年之际，我少了一些“额外”我的妻子。
我碰到的是一个10万伏，口袋/钱包大小的泰瑟。泰瑟影响应该是短命的，行凶者没有长远的不利影响，使她有足够的时间撤退到安全......太酷！
长话短说，我买了设备，并把它带回家。我装在东西两个三A电池，按下按钮。什么！我很失望。
我的教训，但是，如果我推的按钮，把它紧贴在金属表面，同时，我得到的插脚之间来回疾飞的蓝电弧。真棒！
不幸的是，我还没有解释托尼面对她的微波是什么烧伤的现场。
好吧，我独自在家与这个新的玩具，心里对自己说，它不可能是那么糟糕，只有两个三A电池，右，？！在那里，我坐在我的躺椅，找我的猫格雷西目不转睛（信任的小灵魂）当我阅读的方向，以为我真的需要尝试这件事上的肉和血移动目标。我必须承认，我想过轰击格雷西（几分之一秒），然后想到更好。她就是这样一个可爱的猫。但是，如果我去给这件事，我的妻子，以保护自己反对一个抢劫犯，我想要一些保证，它将工作作为标榜。
我错了吗？
所以，我坐在一双短裤和背心，与我的阅读眼镜栖息在我的鼻子的桥梁，一方面指示，并在另一个泰瑟微妙。指示说，一个第二爆裂震撼和迷惑你的行凶者，一两秒钟的突发应该引起肌肉痉挛和身体控制的重大损失;三秒钟的突发据称将在地面上行凶触发器像离开水的鱼。任何超过三秒钟的突发不再只是浪费电池。
在这期间，我期待在这个小装置测量约5“
长期以来，周长小于3/4英寸;（真的漂亮可爱，装载有两个itsy bitsy的三倍，一个电池）心里对自己说，“任何可能的方式”！
接下来发生的事情是几乎无法形容，但我会尽我所能...我独自坐在那里，格雷斯看着她扬起头向一侧，仿佛在说，“不要做它的主人，”推理，从这样一个小小的OLE东西一秒钟的突发不可能伤害所有的坏...
我决定给自己一秒钟的爆裂，只是为它赫克。
我感动的插脚我赤裸的大腿，按下按钮，圣洁的上帝之母，武器的大规模杀伤性屁股
我敢肯定，杰西文图拉在通过侧门跑，我在躺椅上拿起，然后身体砰地摔在地毯上，我们都过来，过来，过来，一遍又一遍。
我依稀记得起床就在我身边，在胎儿的位置，在我的眼里含着泪水，全身湿透，起火的两个乳头，睾丸无处可寻，我的左胳膊夹着我的身体在奇怪的位置，和刺痛感，在我的腿。
猫在我站在meowing我从来没有听说过的声音，舔我的脸，无疑是想对自己，“不要再次，不要它了！”
注：如果你觉得被迫“杯”自己用泰瑟木仓，一个值得注意的：作为“第二爆”有没有这样的事情，当你扎普自己。你不会让那件事，关于在地板上的剧烈颠簸，直到它从你的手抛下。三秒爆裂将被视为保守。
王八蛋...伤害！！
我收集了一分钟左右（我不能肯定的是，随着时间的是在这一点上相对的事情），我的斗智斗勇（一点点我已经离开），坐起来，接受调查的景观。我弯曲的老花镜上的壁炉壁炉。他们怎么了？？我的三头肌，右大腿，两个乳头仍然抽搐。我的脸感觉就像用奴佛卡因遭到木仓击，和我的下嘴唇重达88磅。我还在寻找我的睾丸。
我提供他们安全返回了显着的奖励。
PS我的妻子爱的礼物，现在经常威胁我！
如果您认为教育是困难的，尝试愚蠢.............
